The Destruction of Faith

Every morning I look for inspirational words - things I can meditate on to get me through the day.  I used to look into the Christian scriptures every morning.  In fact, I would spend a lot of time reading, praying, meditating.  And then at other times in the day, I would read again, praying, studying, searching for truth.  And all throughout the day my mind was in almost a constant state of prayer.  I can see it better now looking back on it and comparing it to where I am today.

Back "then" I didn't realize how much of my life was based in faith.  I didn't realize the extent to which it filled up my being -- my mind, my heart, my soul.  But, now that it's been exploded and pulverized, I see the deep cavern of darkness that is left and I know.

Even so, apparently it wasn't even as big as a grain of mustard seed because I wasn't able to move mountains.  I yearned and longed in prayer for my children.  I was in a constant state of prayer for them, and a family member and I weekly prayed specifically for Hillary.  Not because we thought she was considering ending her own life, or that we thought she was depressed.  But because there was a longing in her heart to overcome and to move into a place in her life where she had peace, joy - where she was living out the hopes and dreams she had for herself.  Where she was moving into that place of fulfilling her potential.  Where she was free to love and be loved.  Yes, she did have struggles, but we all have struggles to overcome.  I certainly didn't think she was in a state of mind considering ending her life.  If anything, I saw her on the verge of beginning her life in many ways.  During the many conversations I had with her regularly, she expressed anticipation, excitement about the plans that were churning in her.  Things she wanted to do and accomplish in her job, her personal self, her relationships...etc.  I didn't feel a despair from her.  And I personally had a sense of hope about a breakthrough for her.  I really did.  I believe this was confirmed to me in spirit during a time of meditation and prayer for her.  In fact, I had joy in my heart because I felt something special coming for her and so much so, that I shared that fact with someone close to me.  I never once was drawn to entertaining the thought that this breakthrough for her that was coming was the end of her life here on this earth.  That still shocks me.  Besides continuing to endure the shock of her death and how it happened, besides the pain involved in thinking about that moment that it took place, besides the grief of missing her and feeling so many unresolved things, besides mourning the life she could have had that no longer exists, besides the guilt that envelopes me pressing down hard on my being because I'm her mother and I was unable to protect her or help her so she wouldn't have done this...there's an endless list actually of pain and suffering and anxiety and grief that is punctuated with lost hopes, lost faith, lost relationships.  I really don't know how to get out from under this mess, let alone begin to clean it up.

I think of the poor people who have suffered a catastrophe, the hurricane victims of Katrina, the many, many war victims in other countries - that list is endless as well.  I'm amazed when I think that any of them have been able to pull themselves back together and not only move on, but rebuild.  Their strength and courage amaze me.  Images of thousands of nameless souls pass through my mind and I bow to them all with tears in my eyes and feelings of great respect in my heart.

How do people move past devastation? I don't want to be lost in a hopelessness and live the rest of my days on this earth out in a non-functioning or low-functioning state.  It's not just the physical that I'm talking about.  I look at people with physical disabilities that they have striven to overcome and have...overcome.  Not just compensated for...but truly, aboundingly, overcome.  That's what I want for myself and for my family, my children but both in the psyche and physical plane.  I just don't know how to get there.  It's like a land of Enchantment that you've heard rumors about from the time of your childhood.  You've even talked to people who've been there and you long to go there.  You dream about that beautiful place where forgiveness and compassion are practiced regularly; where peace and love permeate life.   But there is no road map, and the directions you get from vast numbers of people you ask are all conflicting.  So, where do you begin?  And how do you know you're going in the right direction?  This type of dilemma does tend to discourage even the beginnings of preparation for that journey.  Also, the things I would have packed in my bag before are no longer suitable or no longer belong to me.

Things I've believed with all my heart that have been obliterated by the severe and far reaching explosion of the devastating event of my daughter's tragic death.  And, by the way, I do not place any blame on her whatsoever - none.  I should have been able to help her prior to and at the time, but I wasn't able to and I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for that.

Words I used to believe and see beauty in now only provoke emptiness or disdain and leave me with a cold, still, feeling.

Yes, I used to get comfort from these words, for myself and for my children.  Now when I read them it's like words coming from an unfaithful partner who has hurt you over and over again and they are asking you to trust them..."this one last time".   And you've been "here" before, and you've wanted to believe so much that they love you that you find it in your heart to forgive them and say "ok" and move on.  But this time, you stand there staring into their eyes for a long searching moment, and even though you realize that you wish, really, really wish, that it were true -- that you could trust them -- their words no longer seem like a confirmation of their heart but only a desperate attempt to keep you in their realm.  So, you offer them a quick but resolute smile and then turn and walk out the door, determined that you won't be duped by them, or anyone like them, again.

Where does that leave you?  Walking down the street with your backpack slung over your shoulder, and nowhere to go.  

A Breakthrough

I was at one of my lowest points yesterday, and then just like in the movies, there came a breakthrough.

I stumbled upon a facebook page called A New Journey created by a woman named Marsha Abbot who lost her 19 yr. old daughter in a tragic way.  Her posts on that page are inspirational and encouraging.  While I was feeling I wasn't yet at that place of hope that she has seemed to reach, I certainly was comforted by much of what she has shared.  And that page led me to her weblog My Bid Red Shoe, which goes more in depth into her and her daughter's story and the journey she has been on during the aftermath of this tragic event.  In one of her blog posts titled Snap Out of it? I Don't Think So... , I found myself thinking "I could have written this post!"  Her thinking and expression of her experiences seem to so closely parallel mine.  And when she mentioned a gentleman named Edgar Cayce and how she has recently been a sponge for his writings, I knew I had to look into him.  So I did.  I sat the whole rest of the evening and into the wee hours of the morning reading about him, his experiences, his materials.  I kept searching online to find more...and more...and I couldn't get enough of what I found.  There is a non-profit founded by him called Edgar Cayce's A.R.E. Association for Research and Enlightenment where you can find information on him, among other things.  There is also a lot of information in the way of books, pdf's, readings, videos, etc. that can be found by way of search engine regarding Mr. Cayce and the information that he brings from his readings and experiences.  My purpose really is not to promote him, his ideas, or this foundation - I'm just pointing to it because of the effect some of it had on me.  

There are so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head right now that it's hard to pull things together and write them down in a comprehensible way.  But I will say this...yesterday I was lower than low and today I feel a spark of hope.  Yesterday I had no energy or motivation and today, for the first time in awhile, I feel some life moving in me.  After my daughter's death, 99% of what I believed, truly, sincerely, and what I based my life on had been completely shattered.  No, not shattered.  It had been utterly demolished as if a mega bomb had been dropped and left everything desolate.  I had so many questions and I actually had slowly been getting some answers, not necessarily the ones I wanted or was comfortable with but answers none the less.  And I can say that these thoughts and ideas were priming me for taking the next step into understanding.  I have only read probably 1% of the information from Edgar Cayce's life and experiences but I can already say "Amen" to it.  My mind and awareness is moving into another phase of expansion.  And I can feel that I am ready to embrace it.  And I can feel the hope beginning to rise.  I can feel the openness coming bringing light.  I cannot pin point anything specific in these writings in this blog post right now because there is so much processing still going on.  But, I can say that while my grief is still so strong because of the loss of my beautiful daughter and the life I hoped she'd have and that I thought we'd experience together...I do now have a very real hope for moving forward in this life and being able to continue to love my living children and share and experience joy once again. 

Ups and Downs and Inside Out

Since my daughter's death, my moods and emotions have been so unpredictable.  But lately I've been experiencing more extreme ups and downs...feeling very protective and private of my thoughts and emotions one minute and then the next minute wanting to blurt out my deepest feelings to any old stranger on the street.  I'll see something that reminds me of my daughter and I fall to pieces, then the next minute the cat does something cute and I laugh hysterically--then I think about my daughter's two cats that she left behind and I'm sinking into a hole again.  It's really becoming extremely annoying to me.  Annoying isn't a good word here, because it's more than that.  It's leaving me feeling very vulnerable most of the time and unable to accomplish much of anything. Right now I have two people that I feel comfortable talking to but they live over 300 miles away, and only so much can be expressed in text and short blippets on the phone. I'm also struggling with just wanting to sleep all the time.  I feel like I'm doing worse now than right after the tragedy.  It's been 7 months.  Is that normal?  I'm thinking I should try to find a counselor to talk to or at least someone a bit more qualified than the 7-Eleven clerk.  I will have to look into it.  Maybe.  We'll see. 

I watched the movie the Village last night, again...for the 20th time in my life.  I flipped across it on tv and was taken in by the resemblance of the Ivy character to my daughter.  Not only were there physical similarities, with the exception that my daughter has...had blonde hair, but also the spirit of the character was so much like my Hillary.  She had this exuberance and fun-ness and also a stubborn determination.  She also had an innocence and an openness, acceptance, compassion, and love for others.  I had never noticed it so much before when I've seen the film but it mesmerized me and I couldn't help but see my daughter in that portrayal of Ivy.  I miss her so much and I know I don't only mourn her abscense but also the absence of what her life could have been.  I also can't help but see all the ways I've failed her and I wish so much I could make it up to her and love her better, do better for her and by her.  Protect her.  I'm her mother and I wasn't able to protect her from this.  I wasn't able to fill her up with enough love so that she would never consider taking her own life.  I feel the burden so heavily of being responsible.  I just want a chance to start over from the time she was little and love her unconditionally, extremely, to the deepest part of her person and nurture her more completely so she would never need the approval of anyone, any guy, any thing, any person in order to feel whole.  But I can't.  I had my chance and it's gone...with her.  But, I do realize that I have an opportunity for those things with the children I still have with me on this earth.  Even though they're no longer little, I can still love them extremely.  I can still express how wonderful I think they are and how proud I am of them, and how I will be there for them no matter what.  I can still talk to them with love in my eyes and a smile on my face.  I remember when I was young and I would try to talk to my dad about something, (my parents were divorced and I grew up with my dad) he would look at me, not paying attention to what I was saying, but focusing on something else about me with a disapproving look on his face - and then he would start talking; I'm thinking he's going to comment on what I said, but no...it would usually be something like, "You're teeth are yellow.  Did you brush your teeth?"  "You're not wearing that outfit, are you?"  "You have too much make-up on, you look cheap."  Ugh, yechh.  Too many negative memories starting to flood back that I've worked so hard over the years to release.  I don't talk to my kids like that, but I haven't been perfect.  Obviously.

I need to work through this so I can think of my daughter and have it accompanied by only positive thoughts about her and not pull me into a tailspin.  I want to be available to my living children, fully present.  I want them to know that even though I grieve their sister with just about every cell in my body and every part of my being, that they are still important and worthy of my attention, my focus, my effort, my thoughts, my love.   It's difficult to do consistently because I'm such a mess right now.

I want to think positively so I can face my days with some amount of strength.  I know I can't continue to beat myself up and expect to move forward.  I was thinking yesterday the most positive thought I could about myself right now and it was this...at least I'm not drinking myself into oblivion or consuming meds to take away the pain.  And then my heart was so heavy for all those people out there - people I don't even know..."possible" people who have suffered some kind of tragedy who are doing just that...self-medicating to cope with the aches and regrets and unbearable heartache.  I wish I could reach through the dark clouds and into your life and pull you out and say, "Let's hold on together, let's cry together, sob, weep, scream, yell, laugh, talk, sit...be quiet together.  Feel each others' presence and not expect anything from each other.  Just be, and let that be enough. 

Grumpy Cat Completed

Okay, so the Grumpy Cat from Instructables is finished.  I had to work yesterday so we couldn't start it until evening which meant that we were up later than I had planned.  But...it's finished and we both feel good.  :)  It's been awhile since I've started and finished a project in one day.  And I'm seeing my sewing/crafting as therapy right now.  And I'm happy to help my son start and finish a project as well so he can get that feeling of accomplishment - even in small doses.

Sammy Sewing

 I love these comic book filters.

After stuffing it, he said we should call it Lumpy Cat.

Sewing Son

My 12 yr. old son came into my finally put together sewing room and asked if he could sew something.  He and his brother have sewn before, but it's been a little while.  I guess my new tidy, organized room is sew inviting that it drew him in - which is what I've been hoping it would do, mostly for me, but also for anyone else interested.  :)

After hemming and hawing, I gently told him I thought it was a bit late to start a sewing project after 10:30pm (even though I've been known to sew into the wee hours of the morning but I didn't want to go there) He had some ideas for what he wanted to make and we were looking online for some further inspiration and came across a plushie tutorial that sparked his interest.  So, tomorrow morning he'll (we'll) be starting on this one we found on Instructables.

How To Make A Grumpy Cat Plush by elewis03

Two Steps Forward, A Billion Steps Back

I just read the last post I published and it was incredibly surreal.  I found myself searching the unending folds of my grey matter trying to find that place I was in where it seemed there was light, but to no avail.  I'm happy for "that" self of mine, that was able to experience a drop of joy in that moment.  It seems it's been deleted from the hard drive of my memory, or maybe those memory files have just been corrupted.  Who knows?  "Not I.", said the sad, weepy, lump staring at the LED screen.

Moving on...I realize that life is a series of steps and when tragedy strikes, or difficulties arise, it's baby steps - often the well known "two steps forward, three steps back".  Agreed.  Acceptable.  But, I was thrown by my most recent experience of two steps forward - MORTAR BLAST BACK!!

I can't even share what happened that exploded me into the black hole I ended up in - it's so crazy.  But, it's interesting to me that life after tragic happenings is ridiculously unpredictable.  I mean, life itself has always been somewhat unpredictable but not to such extremes.  The circumstances of life - that's been the unpredictable part, and sometimes, on occasion, other people.  But, I've been pretty predictable to myself.  I can usually see myself coming.  But not since November 2014...November 10th 2014 to be exact.  I have had no way of knowing how I will respond, react, interpret, consider, anything that is seen, heard, read, said, or done in my presence.  This is unnerving to me.  When I'm cleaning and setting up my sewing room and emptying out a drawer in the sewing table and I see this little skinny flat brown box with no markings and I lift the top to find bubble wrap covering a blue and pink iPhone case with the word love printed in cursive on it and I realize my daughter ordered this for her phone and never got to use it - I suddenly feel gutted and I fall into a heap of blubbering tears on the floor.  And now I'm no good for the rest of the afternoon and I can only crawl into my bed, hiding under my comforter, picturing her beautiful face, her big sweet smile, her soft voice - her face in front of mine and she's saying, "Momma, it's okay."  She said that a lot.  Her voice was bright but gentle and soothing with a warmness in it.  Most of the time, no matter what was happening, she'd say, "It's okay, don't worry."  But, it's not okay.  IT'S...NOT...OKAY!!!  I want her back!  Sometimes, when I'm alone, I scream this.  I scream it to whoever or whatever is out THERE that didn't intervene in this situation.  I WANT HER BACK!  I WANT HER BACK!  But, nothing.  Silence.  Not even an ounce of sympathy.  I wait.  It's no use, nobody is listening.  Nobody that can do anything anyway.  So, I sit for awhile until I can accept it enough to make me able to start functioning again.  Sometimes that's a few minutes.  Other times that's a few hours.  And on occasion, it's been a few days.  Initially, it was more like a few weeks, months.  It's been 7 months now since that tragic day when my beautiful daughter left this earth.  Why does it feel like it was only yesterday, or the day before?  My concept of time has been strangely altered since she left.  I really have no consistent awareness of time, at all!  It's weird. 

I had to compile photos of my 18yr. old daughter for her graduation ceremony.  I found an old hard drive that I worked my way into and came across a slew of folders filled with photos which my Hillary had taken of herself, her siblings, her friends...it was overwhelming.  I couldn't stop looking at them...ALL!  I was drowning in this sea of photos and memories but I couldn't help myself, nor did I want to.  I was drowning and I knew it but I didn't want to get out of the water.  I didn't want to close it down.  It was pain, tears, agony - yet I welcomed it.  But, it destroyed me for the rest of the day and a couple other days afterward.  I didn't get the photos collected that day of my graduating daughter.  Nope.  In fact, I didn't get anything else done that day.  This is how it goes.  From day to day, I never know what I'm going to face that is going to throw me into a tailspin.  And I don't know how to protect myself from it.  I don't know if I want to protect myself.  Maybe protect is a poor word choice here; maybe shield is more appropriate even though they carry somewhat of the same meaning.  In any case, I don't care what word I use - unlike my previous self - I don't care about a lot of things anymore.  But, whatever, I don't know the proper way of walking down this path.  Maybe there is no proper way.  Everyone is different.  Part of me feels that facing all these things head on, not avoiding or hiding from things that could trigger an episode of grieving is the best thing.  Grieve.  Cleanse.  Heal.  Yeah, true, but then there's other children that need me to be present for them.  There's work.  There's planning.  There's cleaning, cooking, washing.  There's living that needs to be done.  All of which would be almost impossible if I am wasted and in pieces from violent eruptions as I walk through the minefield of this life.

Enough.  I want to express, to get it out.  So much is filling up my head and putting pressure on my being but I can't do anymore right now.

Blinking cursor on "page" of white.  Later.

Starting New

Today is an exciting day for me.  I am officially starting down a new path in my journey through life.  This path has been in view to me for awhile now but it wasn't yet time to walk there.  Now is the time, and besides being excited I'm nervous, but mostly excited for what's to come.  Many things have happened in my life, in my children's life, this past decade but have been concentrated in the last few years and became extremely intense recently with the tragic death of my beautiful, sweet, 22yr. old daughter.  I will forever be changed and pained, with a part of my heart sectioned off where there is no comfort, no light, no relief from suffering.  But, until recently, I had no control of that space.  It has been a room where the door was always open and like in a dream I always found myself in it unable to get out - I really couldn't even lift my head to look out of the room, I was not aware of any windows, only grey walls and echos of weeping and sadness.  Somehow, miraculously, little by little, things changed.  And one day I will write about the process that took place between then and now where I find myself being able enter and exit the room as I please.  I see windows now, with shades and sheers and draperies so that I may have as much sunlight or as little as I need.  There is much more to this room and my relationship to it that will wait for another time.  But, suffice it to say that forward movement is taking place within me and without and I am starting a new chapter in my life while also lingering a bit in the last one.

Much to do, to do, to do....and I will express more later.  But for now, here is a thought...

My Last Day

Tomorrow will be my last day of work at one of my jobs. I've been working two part-time jobs recently. I was up to three at one point but since the death of my daughter, it's been difficult to keep up that schedule-along with being here for my 4 children still at home, dropping off and picking up girls from work, and all the other motherly parental duties facing me. The schedule has been draining and on top of that the income hasn't been sufficient. I've been wondering why I'm pushing myself to keep other people's businesses going, even though the compensation isn't that great, while I could be putting all this time and effort into working for myself. I know the answer...because it's simpler. Well, simpler in some ways, more difficult in others, not to mention unfulfilling.

So, I made a decision to quit the one job that is draining me physically and generates the lowest income...delivering newspapers.  I've been having to get up at 3:30 am and I usually get home somewhere around 7, depending on weather and other things--like whether or not I have to collect that day, break down, get a flat, or get a late start because the delivery truck is late. I won't miss it.  Not one bit. 

Hillary My Darling

My beautiful, darling daughter died unexpectedly and tragically this past November 10, 2014 at the age of 22.

My heart is broken forever and I will never be the same.

Here are some of the most recent photos taken of her with her sisters.

She was Sunshine in our Life

A Beauty Inside and Out

With a Heart Bigger than the Largest Ocean

Love Overflowing on Everyone She'd Meet

I Miss You, Sweet Hillary

Every Moment of Every Day

This is my daughter, she wrote this song last night.  

It's called  Dream To Smell The Roses.

My Boys Sewing!

I love seeing my kids learning/trying something new.  But, I have especially enjoyed helping my boys learn how to sew.  My oldest son has been at the sewing machine before when he was 9, (now 11) when I was learning to quilt and he just really wanted to try it.  He did a fabulous job.  Boys and machines...they love 'em.

Well, a couple of months ago, I found these old  To-Sew sewing kits for 25¢ at a thrift shop.  They came with all the supplies needed - thread, needles, fabric-how could I resist?  They've been hanging in my closet and the other day my boys saw them and asked if they could "do" them, and it's been said that when a child wants to learn something that's the best time to teach them.  So, we went for it!

I worked with them one at a time, and we stopped several times throughout the day and came back to it.   I was happy with how they stuck with it, seeing it through to the end.  This was great because even though it's a relatively simple project, they were able to practice several skills - reading and following pattern instructions, ironing everything, pinning a pattern, transferring markings,  cutting out, machine and hand embroidery, machine and hand sewing.   And best of all, feeling good about what they had accomplished when it was finished!

 

My youngest practiced on scrap fabric before he sewed on the "real thing". 

It's amazing how much it took to fill this yellow "guy"!

Happy boy with his strange yellow bunny, shaped kind of like a tooth!

Even though my kids aren't exactly "little" anymore, they still like their stuffed toys.  My 11 yr. old recently told me, while hugging me, "Mom! I need to have a plushie of you so I can hug you all the time!"  That was SO sweet!  Not sure how much longer he's going to feel that way, ha!

 

My 11yr. old free form stitching  the filament design.  He thought hand sewing that would take too long so he wanted to try it on the machine.  We had already done quite a bit of embroidery on his brother's project, and  the felt strips on the bottom of this light bulb were sewn on by hand.  So, I said, "Sure, why not!"

I wondered if he'd be able to control his speed and the fabric and follow the lines.  But, I think he did a great job!

Ahh...success!  

I "googled" the To-Sew company, but couldn't find anything on them.  The bags show an address in California and the copyright on the pattern says 1998, so it's not terribly old.  It seems they may have gone out of business, or changed their name.  But these kits were really nice, including everything you need to complete the project.  I was impressed with how the pattern was just   like a typical sewing pattern, with instructions, layout, seam allowances, markings, and notches.  It was a very good starter project for teaching kids how to sew,  encompassing a lot of different skills. 

Since the sewing project, both my sons have drawn pictures of garments they would like to make for themselves (or have me make for them).  One stuffed toy-pillow-thingy under their belt and now they're into fashion design?  Hahaha...ya gotta love it! 

Dollar Store Warrior

Another project I just recently finished.....

That's my youngest, suited up for battle while we were at the Dollar Tree.

I originally was going to use this photo for a different project I wanted to try - stitching an outline onto watercolor paper and framing it.   But, I quickly realized that this was just too detailed, especially for my first go at it.   All those creases in that tube toy thing....what was I thinking!?   So, I just decided to finish sketching it instead.  

 My little hero.  :)

Love Is All You Need...

On a day when our American world is consumed with the idea of love, I can't help but think of the love our gracious Father and beautiful Savior show to us eternally and infinitely.

Just a few expressions for the day:

"There are three things that amaze me....no four things, I cannot comprehend:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake upon a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
the way a man loves a woman. "
                ~Agur, son of Jakeh (Prov. 30: 18,19) 

  "A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate."  ~Prov. 15:17

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."  ~John 15:17 

"...and above all, love each other earnestly because the love shall cover a multitude of sins."  ~1 Peter 4:8 

 "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law."  ~Romans 13:8

"Dear friends, let us love one another for love is from God and anyone who is loving is born of God, and knows Him."  ~1 John 4:7 

 "I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."  ~Mother Teresa

"A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as the sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world.  It was a perfect act."  ~Mahatma Gandhi

"This is how God loved the world, He sent His only Son..."  ~the apostle John

"And now these things remain, faith, hope, and love -- but the greatest of these is love."  ~the apostle Paul

 And now one of my all time favorite expressions of love:
This is from a card my son made for me and gave to me after I was out of town visiting my daughters....

 

And under the picture he wrote, "If there was a love-o-meter it would go all the way around the world from me to you."  :)  Heartmelting

Oh, and I almost forgot this last little tidbit of wisdom...

:))

Head To Toe

WooHoo! I've finally finished something! besides dessert  I don't know what's been going on with me but I've been in some kind of weird funk when it comes to my creative side. It seems like lately, the past 6 months worth of lately, that no matter what project I've started it's been a big fail, for one reason or another. And boy, can that be discouraging. Hmm, maybe I've been in a persistence training program for which I didn't even realize I signed up.   Anywhoo...I've made progress, thank The Great Spirit of creation!

In the last couple days, two of the projects I've finished are for my out-of-state daughters. One is a crocheted beanie. I've only completed one other crocheted hat in my lifetime and that was an earflap hat for my son. For a long time now, I've been searching for a simple beanie for my girls with no success. I've tried several different patterns but none seemed to work, the problem being my inexperience, I'm sure. So, after a gazillion attempts I put the hat-crocheting-madness to bed for a bit. Well, with holidays and birthdays approaching, the alarm went off and I woke the monster!  This time I had an acceptable result.

The directions said to be careful not to let the foundation chain twist while joining the ends.   I tried many, many things to keep it straight but as soon as I'd get close to finishing the 1st row I could see it had twisted.  Which would have been great if I had been crocheting an infinity scarf.  I ripped and stitched more times than I care to say.  I have no idea how most people manage this but I ended up pinning my foundation chain to a bolster pillow form that I had in my closet.  It worked!  Ahh, yesss, relief.

I found a very easy flower pattern here at Anne Marie's Crochet Blog.  She has so many cute things there that I'm getting a cup of coffee and going back there after I finish this post.  For my first flower, I was happy with the way it turned out.  

I decided to use my friendly bolster as my beanie model.  I think she's quite photogenic for a wad of stuffing.  :)

                   

I'll have to give her a name.....Beatrice!   Yes, Beatrice Bolster.  That'll do.

Now for my slippers, yay!  I found an easy, easy, pattern here on Hectanooga1's YouTube channel.  I used her basic pattern and changed just a couple of things.  I made the sides a little taller and added a trim to the top edge.  

They look like booties in this photo, but they're not.  They stretch out on the foot and look more like the shape of a Mary Jane without the strap.  I wonder if the strap is the Jane part?  If so, then these are just Mary's.  :)  I'm planning on adding an embelishment to the top, but haven't picked one yet.  Flower, button, foofie fluffy ball?...I can't decide...too many choices for my over-crowded brain at the moment.

Ohh, it feels so good to finally finish a project!  Yippie Skippy, I got my groove back!  Now onto the next project.    

Lights in the Sky

There's almost nothing better than lounging on a blanket with your hubby, your kids laying all over you, and gazing at the night sky full of explosions of light.

This was by far  the best  fireworks show we have ever seen!

I wish I could have gotten better photos, but I just had my cell phone with me.

We thought several times that we were watching the finale, but we were wrong - it just kept going, and going, and going!  And then when the finale had finally come and finished, the sky was empty for about 2 minutes while the crowd clapped, whistled, and cheered.  And after a few second of silence, there was another burst of a few finally final explosions.  It was awesome!  Everyone burst into cheers, and whistles, and screams, and clapping, and laughter...again!!!  Loved it!

Truly, appreciating the freedoms we have in this country and in our amazing God.

"If therefore the son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed." ~John 8:36

Love, Love, Love

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"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." ~John 15:13

Loving Wishes To All

     Early this morning, my 18yr. old daughter hopped on a plane and headed southwest where she'll be living, (for who knows how long) at least for the time being.  So, that makes 3 daughters now living out of state.  I miss them immensely.  But, I'm thankful that they are all happy and healthy and they have always been beautiful blessings to me. 

      I don't know if it's just my imagination, but candy hearts don't seem to be what they used to...I couldn't find one "Be Mine" or an "XOXO" or even just a plain old "Love" in the whole bag.  Call me old fashioned, but it seemed kinda strange to see "LOL" and "eMail Me" stamped on those little colored hearts.  And seriously, "Hey You" ?  We don't say "Hey, you!" to each other, seems a little rude.  :)

      I crocheted a few little red hearts for the kids.  I found a pattern at julie-k's blog.  Mine look basically the same as hers, but for some reason when I followed her pattern they came out almost round, so I changed it just a wee bit to make it more heart shaped.  I added a couple double crochets and an extra chain stitch.  They worked up so quick and easy and were fun to make.  :)  I am really enjoying crocheting.

Early Valentine

   One of my daughters is moving out of state soon and so she gave me an early Valentine that she made for me.  It was so sweet and so beautiful. 

The lighting in this photo doesn't do it justice. 

    I remember my Dad always saying when I was young that anything I made for him was so much better than anything I could buy for him.  And this always made me feel better because I never had any money to buy him anything anyway.  But, there was always part of me that thought he would just say this to make me feel better.  

    One year, when I was in grammar school, I hand sewed him a tie.  I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.  He always wore clip-on ties and I thought that was because he didn't have the money to buy a "real" tie.  I can't even remember where I got the material from, I just remember that it was blue.  I'm sure I recycled some other piece of clothing that I found that was no longer in use.  Since I didn't have another tie to copy or even look at for reference, I just dove in and cut it up and started sewing, making it look like what I thought a tie should look like.  Ha!  He "ooh'd" and "ahh'd" over it and went on about how great it was and then put it on and tied it around his collar and wore it the rest of the day.  At night, he didn't untie it but just loosened it and then hung it over a hanger in his closet.  I'm not even sure that he ever wore it out anywhere, but just seeing that big loop hanging on his hanger and  thinking about how excited he seemed when he unwrapped it, made me feel so good.  (I'm smiling now and still feeling good)

     Well, now that I'm an adult and a mother, I totally understand and completely agree with my father's sentiment.  As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing in the stores that can compare with something that one of my children have taken the time to make me with their own hearts and hands. (and apparently, it will continue to bring them some joy, as well.)

    I love my kids, they are so wonderful and such a blessing to me every day.  :)

Stuffed Toys

I've been feeling crafty lately, but I think it's because it's been SO long since I've done much sewing or crafting just for fun.  It seems that recently the only time I sew is when I have to make something.  And for a while I was doing some sewing for profit.  But, after I officially gave that up and put my machine away, I hadn't touched it for some time.  But, I finally pulled out the old Kenmore last week and got to work on a couple projects that didn't NEED to be done, but were just for enjoyment.  Here they are:

I did a couple little Owls for my boys.  I found this free "Easy Owl Pattern" at Toad's Treasures on blogspot.  Thank you Emily!!

We took a trip to the fabric store and I let my boys pick out their own fabric and decide on it's design.  They also did the stuffing and together we got them done in 1 afternoon.

My 10 yr. old decided that he wanted a "tummy" on his, which was not on the original pattern, and so he picked an old world map design fabric for that. 

 

It's hard to tell here, but my 7yr. old picked out black and white checkered and zebra print felt for the eyes and feet, and the wings are black and white owls.  He later wished that he had picked a "tummy" piece as well, but he's still happy with it.

These were so easy and so much fun to make that I definitely want to make more of them.  I actually picked out fabric to make an owl for myself, but I haven't gotten to that one yet.  That will have to wait for another day.  :)