Another Zippered Pouch

I made this lined zippered pouch for my niece.  She wanted one for her combs, particularly those long tail combs, so I made it  9" L x 3.5" W x 2.5" tall.

 It took me awhile to figure out how to determine the size of fabrics and zipper I would need for the pouch size I wanted.  I'm not really a numbers person so I had to draw and re-draw, measure and re-measure until I was sure.  And then I made one first out of scrap fabric just to be doubly sure my calculations were correct.

It's happened to me before that I've figured sizes and then measured fabric over and over again to be on the safe side and for some reason after it's been cut and sewn, it's off and I sit there not having a clue where I went wrong.  So, whenever I'm measuring and calculating, I'm always a little nervous.  However, in other areas of design I can just "eyeball" things and they are right on.  One example was when my husband and I were wallpapering the laundry room - correction, I was wallpapering the laundry room and he, being a general contractor, saw my methods and decided he needed to step in to make sure things turned out right.  Well, I started putting up a piece of wall paper on the wall and he said, "Wait! Did you measure and mark the wall to make sure the strip goes up straight?"  I said, "No, I know it's straight by looking at it."  Well, we debated for a couple minutes and he decided to pull out his tape measure and level and sure enough, it was right on.  I decided not to rub it in and he decided that I had just gotten lucky.  I knew better.  ;)

So, being more visual than anything, the most challenging part of sewing for me is when I'm not working with a pre-made pattern and I have to start adding measurements and seam allowances and 8ths and 4ths and halves together.  It's slightly embarrassing but here's my worksheet.

As you can see, I had to draw it over and over again, mainly so I could visualize it, and keep redoing the numbers.  Sheesh, my 12 yr. old son could have done this in his head.  He and his brother take after their dad that way.  C'est la vie  At least it's finished.  :)

I've contracted some sewing for a woman who sells children's clothing and accessories online, so I have megabillions of hours ahead of me to finish the products for her latest orders.  After that marathon, I want to make this triple zippered pouch I saw at the Sanrio website.

 

I'm thinking of brighter more colorful fabrics, but I love the 3-Zip.  I'm also thinking that I would probably add a little wrist strap to it.  I know a few girls who would love one of these, myself included.  Work first, then I can "play".  :)

The Destruction of Faith

Every morning I look for inspirational words - things I can meditate on to get me through the day.  I used to look into the Christian scriptures every morning.  In fact, I would spend a lot of time reading, praying, meditating.  And then at other times in the day, I would read again, praying, studying, searching for truth.  And all throughout the day my mind was in almost a constant state of prayer.  I can see it better now looking back on it and comparing it to where I am today.

Back "then" I didn't realize how much of my life was based in faith.  I didn't realize the extent to which it filled up my being -- my mind, my heart, my soul.  But, now that it's been exploded and pulverized, I see the deep cavern of darkness that is left and I know.

Even so, apparently it wasn't even as big as a grain of mustard seed because I wasn't able to move mountains.  I yearned and longed in prayer for my children.  I was in a constant state of prayer for them, and a family member and I weekly prayed specifically for Hillary.  Not because we thought she was considering ending her own life, or that we thought she was depressed.  But because there was a longing in her heart to overcome and to move into a place in her life where she had peace, joy - where she was living out the hopes and dreams she had for herself.  Where she was moving into that place of fulfilling her potential.  Where she was free to love and be loved.  Yes, she did have struggles, but we all have struggles to overcome.  I certainly didn't think she was in a state of mind considering ending her life.  If anything, I saw her on the verge of beginning her life in many ways.  During the many conversations I had with her regularly, she expressed anticipation, excitement about the plans that were churning in her.  Things she wanted to do and accomplish in her job, her personal self, her relationships...etc.  I didn't feel a despair from her.  And I personally had a sense of hope about a breakthrough for her.  I really did.  I believe this was confirmed to me in spirit during a time of meditation and prayer for her.  In fact, I had joy in my heart because I felt something special coming for her and so much so, that I shared that fact with someone close to me.  I never once was drawn to entertaining the thought that this breakthrough for her that was coming was the end of her life here on this earth.  That still shocks me.  Besides continuing to endure the shock of her death and how it happened, besides the pain involved in thinking about that moment that it took place, besides the grief of missing her and feeling so many unresolved things, besides mourning the life she could have had that no longer exists, besides the guilt that envelopes me pressing down hard on my being because I'm her mother and I was unable to protect her or help her so she wouldn't have done this...there's an endless list actually of pain and suffering and anxiety and grief that is punctuated with lost hopes, lost faith, lost relationships.  I really don't know how to get out from under this mess, let alone begin to clean it up.

I think of the poor people who have suffered a catastrophe, the hurricane victims of Katrina, the many, many war victims in other countries - that list is endless as well.  I'm amazed when I think that any of them have been able to pull themselves back together and not only move on, but rebuild.  Their strength and courage amaze me.  Images of thousands of nameless souls pass through my mind and I bow to them all with tears in my eyes and feelings of great respect in my heart.

How do people move past devastation? I don't want to be lost in a hopelessness and live the rest of my days on this earth out in a non-functioning or low-functioning state.  It's not just the physical that I'm talking about.  I look at people with physical disabilities that they have striven to overcome and have...overcome.  Not just compensated for...but truly, aboundingly, overcome.  That's what I want for myself and for my family, my children but both in the psyche and physical plane.  I just don't know how to get there.  It's like a land of Enchantment that you've heard rumors about from the time of your childhood.  You've even talked to people who've been there and you long to go there.  You dream about that beautiful place where forgiveness and compassion are practiced regularly; where peace and love permeate life.   But there is no road map, and the directions you get from vast numbers of people you ask are all conflicting.  So, where do you begin?  And how do you know you're going in the right direction?  This type of dilemma does tend to discourage even the beginnings of preparation for that journey.  Also, the things I would have packed in my bag before are no longer suitable or no longer belong to me.

Things I've believed with all my heart that have been obliterated by the severe and far reaching explosion of the devastating event of my daughter's tragic death.  And, by the way, I do not place any blame on her whatsoever - none.  I should have been able to help her prior to and at the time, but I wasn't able to and I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for that.

Words I used to believe and see beauty in now only provoke emptiness or disdain and leave me with a cold, still, feeling.

Yes, I used to get comfort from these words, for myself and for my children.  Now when I read them it's like words coming from an unfaithful partner who has hurt you over and over again and they are asking you to trust them..."this one last time".   And you've been "here" before, and you've wanted to believe so much that they love you that you find it in your heart to forgive them and say "ok" and move on.  But this time, you stand there staring into their eyes for a long searching moment, and even though you realize that you wish, really, really wish, that it were true -- that you could trust them -- their words no longer seem like a confirmation of their heart but only a desperate attempt to keep you in their realm.  So, you offer them a quick but resolute smile and then turn and walk out the door, determined that you won't be duped by them, or anyone like them, again.

Where does that leave you?  Walking down the street with your backpack slung over your shoulder, and nowhere to go.  

Ups and Downs and Inside Out

Since my daughter's death, my moods and emotions have been so unpredictable.  But lately I've been experiencing more extreme ups and downs...feeling very protective and private of my thoughts and emotions one minute and then the next minute wanting to blurt out my deepest feelings to any old stranger on the street.  I'll see something that reminds me of my daughter and I fall to pieces, then the next minute the cat does something cute and I laugh hysterically--then I think about my daughter's two cats that she left behind and I'm sinking into a hole again.  It's really becoming extremely annoying to me.  Annoying isn't a good word here, because it's more than that.  It's leaving me feeling very vulnerable most of the time and unable to accomplish much of anything. Right now I have two people that I feel comfortable talking to but they live over 300 miles away, and only so much can be expressed in text and short blippets on the phone. I'm also struggling with just wanting to sleep all the time.  I feel like I'm doing worse now than right after the tragedy.  It's been 7 months.  Is that normal?  I'm thinking I should try to find a counselor to talk to or at least someone a bit more qualified than the 7-Eleven clerk.  I will have to look into it.  Maybe.  We'll see. 

I watched the movie the Village last night, again...for the 20th time in my life.  I flipped across it on tv and was taken in by the resemblance of the Ivy character to my daughter.  Not only were there physical similarities, with the exception that my daughter has...had blonde hair, but also the spirit of the character was so much like my Hillary.  She had this exuberance and fun-ness and also a stubborn determination.  She also had an innocence and an openness, acceptance, compassion, and love for others.  I had never noticed it so much before when I've seen the film but it mesmerized me and I couldn't help but see my daughter in that portrayal of Ivy.  I miss her so much and I know I don't only mourn her abscense but also the absence of what her life could have been.  I also can't help but see all the ways I've failed her and I wish so much I could make it up to her and love her better, do better for her and by her.  Protect her.  I'm her mother and I wasn't able to protect her from this.  I wasn't able to fill her up with enough love so that she would never consider taking her own life.  I feel the burden so heavily of being responsible.  I just want a chance to start over from the time she was little and love her unconditionally, extremely, to the deepest part of her person and nurture her more completely so she would never need the approval of anyone, any guy, any thing, any person in order to feel whole.  But I can't.  I had my chance and it's gone...with her.  But, I do realize that I have an opportunity for those things with the children I still have with me on this earth.  Even though they're no longer little, I can still love them extremely.  I can still express how wonderful I think they are and how proud I am of them, and how I will be there for them no matter what.  I can still talk to them with love in my eyes and a smile on my face.  I remember when I was young and I would try to talk to my dad about something, (my parents were divorced and I grew up with my dad) he would look at me, not paying attention to what I was saying, but focusing on something else about me with a disapproving look on his face - and then he would start talking; I'm thinking he's going to comment on what I said, but no...it would usually be something like, "You're teeth are yellow.  Did you brush your teeth?"  "You're not wearing that outfit, are you?"  "You have too much make-up on, you look cheap."  Ugh, yechh.  Too many negative memories starting to flood back that I've worked so hard over the years to release.  I don't talk to my kids like that, but I haven't been perfect.  Obviously.

I need to work through this so I can think of my daughter and have it accompanied by only positive thoughts about her and not pull me into a tailspin.  I want to be available to my living children, fully present.  I want them to know that even though I grieve their sister with just about every cell in my body and every part of my being, that they are still important and worthy of my attention, my focus, my effort, my thoughts, my love.   It's difficult to do consistently because I'm such a mess right now.

I want to think positively so I can face my days with some amount of strength.  I know I can't continue to beat myself up and expect to move forward.  I was thinking yesterday the most positive thought I could about myself right now and it was this...at least I'm not drinking myself into oblivion or consuming meds to take away the pain.  And then my heart was so heavy for all those people out there - people I don't even know..."possible" people who have suffered some kind of tragedy who are doing just that...self-medicating to cope with the aches and regrets and unbearable heartache.  I wish I could reach through the dark clouds and into your life and pull you out and say, "Let's hold on together, let's cry together, sob, weep, scream, yell, laugh, talk, sit...be quiet together.  Feel each others' presence and not expect anything from each other.  Just be, and let that be enough. 

Fabric Storage

I had been mulling over ideas for storing my fabric.  At our previous home, I had several dressers that I kept fabric in but I wasn't altogether happy with that because not being able to see it at a glance, I didn't know what was currently in my stash.  Let's face it, I can't keep all that info on my brain's little desktop.  It's been archived and I don't always remember where I've stored those files.  Having, my fabric visible is quite helpful.

I ran across this idea of wrapping the fabric around foam core boards at the little green bean and was inspired.  I needed to go the least expensive route right now and I had some of those display boards, which we used for my daughter's graduation table, that I had picked up at the Dollar Tree and a couple I purchased at Walmart.  They're basically the same thing, although I can't boast that they're acid free, but I've had my fabric on cardboard before and had no problems.  And I was wondering if those cardboard bolts at the fabric store are acid free?  I haven't checked that out yet, but I'm going with my cheapo display boards for now. 

They look very similar to Missy's at the little green bean .

So, I've been working on turning this....

Into this...

So far, I'm happy with it.  :)

Two Steps Forward, A Billion Steps Back

I just read the last post I published and it was incredibly surreal.  I found myself searching the unending folds of my grey matter trying to find that place I was in where it seemed there was light, but to no avail.  I'm happy for "that" self of mine, that was able to experience a drop of joy in that moment.  It seems it's been deleted from the hard drive of my memory, or maybe those memory files have just been corrupted.  Who knows?  "Not I.", said the sad, weepy, lump staring at the LED screen.

Moving on...I realize that life is a series of steps and when tragedy strikes, or difficulties arise, it's baby steps - often the well known "two steps forward, three steps back".  Agreed.  Acceptable.  But, I was thrown by my most recent experience of two steps forward - MORTAR BLAST BACK!!

I can't even share what happened that exploded me into the black hole I ended up in - it's so crazy.  But, it's interesting to me that life after tragic happenings is ridiculously unpredictable.  I mean, life itself has always been somewhat unpredictable but not to such extremes.  The circumstances of life - that's been the unpredictable part, and sometimes, on occasion, other people.  But, I've been pretty predictable to myself.  I can usually see myself coming.  But not since November 2014...November 10th 2014 to be exact.  I have had no way of knowing how I will respond, react, interpret, consider, anything that is seen, heard, read, said, or done in my presence.  This is unnerving to me.  When I'm cleaning and setting up my sewing room and emptying out a drawer in the sewing table and I see this little skinny flat brown box with no markings and I lift the top to find bubble wrap covering a blue and pink iPhone case with the word love printed in cursive on it and I realize my daughter ordered this for her phone and never got to use it - I suddenly feel gutted and I fall into a heap of blubbering tears on the floor.  And now I'm no good for the rest of the afternoon and I can only crawl into my bed, hiding under my comforter, picturing her beautiful face, her big sweet smile, her soft voice - her face in front of mine and she's saying, "Momma, it's okay."  She said that a lot.  Her voice was bright but gentle and soothing with a warmness in it.  Most of the time, no matter what was happening, she'd say, "It's okay, don't worry."  But, it's not okay.  IT'S...NOT...OKAY!!!  I want her back!  Sometimes, when I'm alone, I scream this.  I scream it to whoever or whatever is out THERE that didn't intervene in this situation.  I WANT HER BACK!  I WANT HER BACK!  But, nothing.  Silence.  Not even an ounce of sympathy.  I wait.  It's no use, nobody is listening.  Nobody that can do anything anyway.  So, I sit for awhile until I can accept it enough to make me able to start functioning again.  Sometimes that's a few minutes.  Other times that's a few hours.  And on occasion, it's been a few days.  Initially, it was more like a few weeks, months.  It's been 7 months now since that tragic day when my beautiful daughter left this earth.  Why does it feel like it was only yesterday, or the day before?  My concept of time has been strangely altered since she left.  I really have no consistent awareness of time, at all!  It's weird. 

I had to compile photos of my 18yr. old daughter for her graduation ceremony.  I found an old hard drive that I worked my way into and came across a slew of folders filled with photos which my Hillary had taken of herself, her siblings, her friends...it was overwhelming.  I couldn't stop looking at them...ALL!  I was drowning in this sea of photos and memories but I couldn't help myself, nor did I want to.  I was drowning and I knew it but I didn't want to get out of the water.  I didn't want to close it down.  It was pain, tears, agony - yet I welcomed it.  But, it destroyed me for the rest of the day and a couple other days afterward.  I didn't get the photos collected that day of my graduating daughter.  Nope.  In fact, I didn't get anything else done that day.  This is how it goes.  From day to day, I never know what I'm going to face that is going to throw me into a tailspin.  And I don't know how to protect myself from it.  I don't know if I want to protect myself.  Maybe protect is a poor word choice here; maybe shield is more appropriate even though they carry somewhat of the same meaning.  In any case, I don't care what word I use - unlike my previous self - I don't care about a lot of things anymore.  But, whatever, I don't know the proper way of walking down this path.  Maybe there is no proper way.  Everyone is different.  Part of me feels that facing all these things head on, not avoiding or hiding from things that could trigger an episode of grieving is the best thing.  Grieve.  Cleanse.  Heal.  Yeah, true, but then there's other children that need me to be present for them.  There's work.  There's planning.  There's cleaning, cooking, washing.  There's living that needs to be done.  All of which would be almost impossible if I am wasted and in pieces from violent eruptions as I walk through the minefield of this life.

Enough.  I want to express, to get it out.  So much is filling up my head and putting pressure on my being but I can't do anymore right now.

Blinking cursor on "page" of white.  Later.

Starting New

Today is an exciting day for me.  I am officially starting down a new path in my journey through life.  This path has been in view to me for awhile now but it wasn't yet time to walk there.  Now is the time, and besides being excited I'm nervous, but mostly excited for what's to come.  Many things have happened in my life, in my children's life, this past decade but have been concentrated in the last few years and became extremely intense recently with the tragic death of my beautiful, sweet, 22yr. old daughter.  I will forever be changed and pained, with a part of my heart sectioned off where there is no comfort, no light, no relief from suffering.  But, until recently, I had no control of that space.  It has been a room where the door was always open and like in a dream I always found myself in it unable to get out - I really couldn't even lift my head to look out of the room, I was not aware of any windows, only grey walls and echos of weeping and sadness.  Somehow, miraculously, little by little, things changed.  And one day I will write about the process that took place between then and now where I find myself being able enter and exit the room as I please.  I see windows now, with shades and sheers and draperies so that I may have as much sunlight or as little as I need.  There is much more to this room and my relationship to it that will wait for another time.  But, suffice it to say that forward movement is taking place within me and without and I am starting a new chapter in my life while also lingering a bit in the last one.

Much to do, to do, to do....and I will express more later.  But for now, here is a thought...

What Does It Mean To Be Strong?

Someone close to me said to me recently point blank, "You are not strong...you're not a strong person."  I have to admit, those words stung a bit.  And, admittedly, I was shocked to hear them - shocked into silence for a few moments.  I couldn't stop thinking about that conversation and those words. In fact, I've been replaying that little sound bite in my head all day long.  Partly because the individual who said it to me has been a close friend for the past several years and I didn't realize that this is how they saw me. The other reason is that I've been wondering if it's indeed true, but not convinced that it is, and hoping that it isn't.

So, I found myself asking, what does it mean to be a strong person?

Lepidoptera

My Last Day

Tomorrow will be my last day of work at one of my jobs. I've been working two part-time jobs recently. I was up to three at one point but since the death of my daughter, it's been difficult to keep up that schedule-along with being here for my 4 children still at home, dropping off and picking up girls from work, and all the other motherly parental duties facing me. The schedule has been draining and on top of that the income hasn't been sufficient. I've been wondering why I'm pushing myself to keep other people's businesses going, even though the compensation isn't that great, while I could be putting all this time and effort into working for myself. I know the answer...because it's simpler. Well, simpler in some ways, more difficult in others, not to mention unfulfilling.

So, I made a decision to quit the one job that is draining me physically and generates the lowest income...delivering newspapers.  I've been having to get up at 3:30 am and I usually get home somewhere around 7, depending on weather and other things--like whether or not I have to collect that day, break down, get a flat, or get a late start because the delivery truck is late. I won't miss it.  Not one bit. 

Hillary My Darling

My beautiful, darling daughter died unexpectedly and tragically this past November 10, 2014 at the age of 22.

My heart is broken forever and I will never be the same.

Here are some of the most recent photos taken of her with her sisters.

She was Sunshine in our Life

A Beauty Inside and Out

With a Heart Bigger than the Largest Ocean

Love Overflowing on Everyone She'd Meet

I Miss You, Sweet Hillary

Every Moment of Every Day

This is my daughter, she wrote this song last night.  

It's called  Dream To Smell The Roses.

My pH is Outta Whack!

We balance the pH of our pool water, our fish tanks, why not our bodies?

Wow, when I first read about this a little over a year ago or so, it's like a light bulb went on above my head!  Seriously, why had this not even occurred to me before?  Well, I stumbled upon it doing some healthy eating research.  Truthfully, I shouldn't say I stumbled upon it, because I have no doubt that I was led there by the Great Spirit, YaHWeH.  But when I came across all this information on why it's important to have a balanced body pH, what being acidic does to our bodies and our health, what makes us acidic, and how we can balance it...it totally summed up my health problems and issues, and their affects on me.  I couldn't believe it!  I dove right in and started making changes, and I was amazed at how quickly my body responded!  I felt better, looked better, and functioned better in less than two weeks.  Actually, I started feeling better in a matter of days, and my skin and eyes got clearer and brighter within the first week.  I also noticed an increase in energy.  Well, it was a wonderful and unbelievable few weeks and then....I bombed.  *sigh*

 Something happened that I reacted to and upset me very, very, much.  And my emotions got the best of me and I surrendered and went on an emotional eating binge.  It was awful, and all the horrible feelings flooded back in on me, physically and emotionally.   I couldn't get back in line with the program.  I should say, I didn't  get back in line....I was not letting go of the "thing" that put me over the edge in the first place, and the anger grew, and grew, and turned into bitterness and I found myself in a trap.  All my joy, and praise, and thanksgiving, turned to sadness, complaining, and discontent.  This is really about more than health issues, I see that now..

In any case, it's been a long, extremely long,  year.  As I write this I can almost not believe how long I've hung on to things.  But the crazy thing is that I had actually fooled myself into thinking that I had let them go.  But, no, it all still lingered there deep down inside of me, hiding yet seeping out here and there in little bits and pieces.  I'm so stubborn and hard-headed that I clung to my pain, like it was my best friend, instead of clinging to the One who made me, loved me,  sacrificed and saves me.  But, praise YaHWeH, He has helped me see the light again!  Oh, I am constantly amazed at His patience and gentle nudges.  His forgiveness and cleansing floods over me, and His beauty and grace overwhelms me...and peace fills my psuche.  HalleluYaH!  Interestingly enough, the awareness and forgiveness He has brought has led me back to this place of addressing my health issues.  I am repeatedly reminded how everything is spiritual at its base.

Well, without going into all the details right now on research and the information I've gathered, I am here to say that I have started to get back in line - or should I say, in balance,  as of two days ago.  And already, today, I have noticed a difference in my energy level and mental clarity and also the clearness of my eyes.   Again, I say I'm amazed at how quickly my body is beginning to respond to these changes.  I will have to do another blog post on what exactly I'm doing and include information and  links to websites from which I've "gathered".   And I want to continue to post my progress on here as an added incentive and accountability for me to keep it going.  *little cringing face*

I'm including my children in on this and am trying to encourage my hubby to join in, as well.   Although, that's a bit harder to do.  But, I think as he sees how things are going, and through much prayer, he'll jump on into the pH pool with us.  :))

Go Green!  GO Alkaline!

Dollar Store Warrior

Another project I just recently finished.....

That's my youngest, suited up for battle while we were at the Dollar Tree.

I originally was going to use this photo for a different project I wanted to try - stitching an outline onto watercolor paper and framing it.   But, I quickly realized that this was just too detailed, especially for my first go at it.   All those creases in that tube toy thing....what was I thinking!?   So, I just decided to finish sketching it instead.  

 My little hero.  :)

Love Is All You Need...

On a day when our American world is consumed with the idea of love, I can't help but think of the love our gracious Father and beautiful Savior show to us eternally and infinitely.

Just a few expressions for the day:

"There are three things that amaze me....no four things, I cannot comprehend:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake upon a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
the way a man loves a woman. "
                ~Agur, son of Jakeh (Prov. 30: 18,19) 

  "A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate."  ~Prov. 15:17

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."  ~John 15:17 

"...and above all, love each other earnestly because the love shall cover a multitude of sins."  ~1 Peter 4:8 

 "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law."  ~Romans 13:8

"Dear friends, let us love one another for love is from God and anyone who is loving is born of God, and knows Him."  ~1 John 4:7 

 "I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."  ~Mother Teresa

"A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as the sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world.  It was a perfect act."  ~Mahatma Gandhi

"This is how God loved the world, He sent His only Son..."  ~the apostle John

"And now these things remain, faith, hope, and love -- but the greatest of these is love."  ~the apostle Paul

 And now one of my all time favorite expressions of love:
This is from a card my son made for me and gave to me after I was out of town visiting my daughters....

 

And under the picture he wrote, "If there was a love-o-meter it would go all the way around the world from me to you."  :)  Heartmelting

Oh, and I almost forgot this last little tidbit of wisdom...

:))