Wild America!

Look what the cat dragged in....literally!

Found by her litter box.  It makes me sad but the boys in my house find it interesting and amusing that kitty is bringing us gifts.  That's the way of the wild, I guess.  Afterward, I heard my son in the kitchen singing, ..."the circle of life...".

Fabric Storage

I had been mulling over ideas for storing my fabric.  At our previous home, I had several dressers that I kept fabric in but I wasn't altogether happy with that because not being able to see it at a glance, I didn't know what was currently in my stash.  Let's face it, I can't keep all that info on my brain's little desktop.  It's been archived and I don't always remember where I've stored those files.  Having, my fabric visible is quite helpful.

I ran across this idea of wrapping the fabric around foam core boards at the little green bean and was inspired.  I needed to go the least expensive route right now and I had some of those display boards, which we used for my daughter's graduation table, that I had picked up at the Dollar Tree and a couple I purchased at Walmart.  They're basically the same thing, although I can't boast that they're acid free, but I've had my fabric on cardboard before and had no problems.  And I was wondering if those cardboard bolts at the fabric store are acid free?  I haven't checked that out yet, but I'm going with my cheapo display boards for now. 

They look very similar to Missy's at the little green bean .

So, I've been working on turning this....

Into this...

So far, I'm happy with it.  :)

Grumpy Cat Completed

Okay, so the Grumpy Cat from Instructables is finished.  I had to work yesterday so we couldn't start it until evening which meant that we were up later than I had planned.  But...it's finished and we both feel good.  :)  It's been awhile since I've started and finished a project in one day.  And I'm seeing my sewing/crafting as therapy right now.  And I'm happy to help my son start and finish a project as well so he can get that feeling of accomplishment - even in small doses.

Sammy Sewing

 I love these comic book filters.

After stuffing it, he said we should call it Lumpy Cat.

Sewing Son

My 12 yr. old son came into my finally put together sewing room and asked if he could sew something.  He and his brother have sewn before, but it's been a little while.  I guess my new tidy, organized room is sew inviting that it drew him in - which is what I've been hoping it would do, mostly for me, but also for anyone else interested.  :)

After hemming and hawing, I gently told him I thought it was a bit late to start a sewing project after 10:30pm (even though I've been known to sew into the wee hours of the morning but I didn't want to go there) He had some ideas for what he wanted to make and we were looking online for some further inspiration and came across a plushie tutorial that sparked his interest.  So, tomorrow morning he'll (we'll) be starting on this one we found on Instructables.

How To Make A Grumpy Cat Plush by elewis03

Sewing Room

I actually got something accomplished today, so that's a positive.  I've been in the process of setting up my sewing room for a couple weeks, at least - it could be more...time eludes me.  But, today, most of what I had dragged out of boxes and the closet and which was scattered about and covering most of the surfaces, I organized and put away.  It feels good.  I now have a clean, tidy, space in which to work.  It's just the basics.  I still have quite a few things in the garage which I haven't pulled out which include craft and wrapping supplies. I also haven't taken out all of my fabric.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to set that up.  But, this way, I can walk into the room and have the basics at my fingertips which makes it a lot easier for me to start a project.  During a project, things will get strewn about and thread, pins, and scraps will fly randomly as I dig in...but with everything having a place now, it can all be cleaned up and put away in a jiffy.

I can't work in a mess.  I even have a problem with doing the dishes if there's too much random mess.  I have to rinse and sort everything, clean the sink, wipe down the counter and faucet before I can begin.  And everything goes into the dish water in a certain order.  That's just how it's always been with me.  I cringe when I see people slipping cups, dishes, and silverware into that clean soapy water with particles of food on them or little gulps of liquid left.  Aaaack!  I can't watch that, can't be in the same room with that, can't think about that!  It's the same with the dishwasher.  Everything has to be scraped and rinsed before it goes in there.  The idea of little pieces of food flying around in "dishwasher space", jumping and landing, dish to dish, glass to glass, like a summery hopscotch game in the yard with the sprinkler on - yikes!  That's what nightmares are made of and enough to cause in me a gag reflex.  But, I digress.

Sewing room...yes.  One of the things that has encouraged me to get working on the room is the fact that I have just had two of my sewing machines serviced.  The first one I took in had stopped working while I was sewing up a cosmetic bag for my daughter.  After checking the tension and threading, I noticed the feed dogs were no longer moving.  I'm happy to say, I found a local young man who works on machines out of his home and he fixed it for me in one afternoon!  While there, I noticed another machine he had on the floor that looked exactly like one my sister-in-law gave me as a gift before I moved.  It's a vintage Singer and was in need of a really good cleaning, so I brought that one in when I picked up the other machine.  The gentleman did a beautiful job on the clean up and service and that sparked an eagerness in me to get my sewing stuff in order.  That modicum of peace I've gotten from something so simple, is proving so precious to me.

Here is my vintage Singer 301A - it came out sometime in the early 50's.

It's even older than me.  It's so nice to have something older than me around.

This is my Singer Stylist 513 

My beautiful, sweet, daughter bought this at a shop last summer and only used it a few times.  It's in a very nice wood sewing table and it became mine after she passed away.  So, it's very, very special to me.  Now that the feed dog gears have been replaced, it runs beautifully.  

   

And this is my Singer Touch Tronic 2001 - which I love!

Singer introduced this machine in 1978 and it was billed as "the world's first computer-controlled machine".  Such a big deal back then.  It amazes me that 37 years later not only is the machine running but the motherboard is still functioning.  

I seem to have been gravitating toward the vintage machines, not intentionally, it's just that there are so many available at reasonable prices at estate sales and online.  With a good cleaning, oiling, and a minor repair if needed, these machines with all, or mostly all, metal parts are hard to beat.  Maybe someday, if I have the money, I would consider buying new only a Bernina, Husqvarna, or Pfaff.  I've had a Husqvarna.  It was the first new sewing machine that was officially mine - my husband bought it for me the first Christmas we had in our first home.  (a lot of firsts there)  It lasted about 25 yrs. and then the pedal burned out.  The machine itself was still in good condition and I don't remember ever having any problems with it.  I used that machine to sew all my first 3 daughters' clothes, costumes, toys, gowns, stuff for our home, etc.  It got a lot of use and never let me down.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I really miss that machine.  :)  sigh..."Sew" many memories.

Two Steps Forward, A Billion Steps Back

I just read the last post I published and it was incredibly surreal.  I found myself searching the unending folds of my grey matter trying to find that place I was in where it seemed there was light, but to no avail.  I'm happy for "that" self of mine, that was able to experience a drop of joy in that moment.  It seems it's been deleted from the hard drive of my memory, or maybe those memory files have just been corrupted.  Who knows?  "Not I.", said the sad, weepy, lump staring at the LED screen.

Moving on...I realize that life is a series of steps and when tragedy strikes, or difficulties arise, it's baby steps - often the well known "two steps forward, three steps back".  Agreed.  Acceptable.  But, I was thrown by my most recent experience of two steps forward - MORTAR BLAST BACK!!

I can't even share what happened that exploded me into the black hole I ended up in - it's so crazy.  But, it's interesting to me that life after tragic happenings is ridiculously unpredictable.  I mean, life itself has always been somewhat unpredictable but not to such extremes.  The circumstances of life - that's been the unpredictable part, and sometimes, on occasion, other people.  But, I've been pretty predictable to myself.  I can usually see myself coming.  But not since November 2014...November 10th 2014 to be exact.  I have had no way of knowing how I will respond, react, interpret, consider, anything that is seen, heard, read, said, or done in my presence.  This is unnerving to me.  When I'm cleaning and setting up my sewing room and emptying out a drawer in the sewing table and I see this little skinny flat brown box with no markings and I lift the top to find bubble wrap covering a blue and pink iPhone case with the word love printed in cursive on it and I realize my daughter ordered this for her phone and never got to use it - I suddenly feel gutted and I fall into a heap of blubbering tears on the floor.  And now I'm no good for the rest of the afternoon and I can only crawl into my bed, hiding under my comforter, picturing her beautiful face, her big sweet smile, her soft voice - her face in front of mine and she's saying, "Momma, it's okay."  She said that a lot.  Her voice was bright but gentle and soothing with a warmness in it.  Most of the time, no matter what was happening, she'd say, "It's okay, don't worry."  But, it's not okay.  IT'S...NOT...OKAY!!!  I want her back!  Sometimes, when I'm alone, I scream this.  I scream it to whoever or whatever is out THERE that didn't intervene in this situation.  I WANT HER BACK!  I WANT HER BACK!  But, nothing.  Silence.  Not even an ounce of sympathy.  I wait.  It's no use, nobody is listening.  Nobody that can do anything anyway.  So, I sit for awhile until I can accept it enough to make me able to start functioning again.  Sometimes that's a few minutes.  Other times that's a few hours.  And on occasion, it's been a few days.  Initially, it was more like a few weeks, months.  It's been 7 months now since that tragic day when my beautiful daughter left this earth.  Why does it feel like it was only yesterday, or the day before?  My concept of time has been strangely altered since she left.  I really have no consistent awareness of time, at all!  It's weird. 

I had to compile photos of my 18yr. old daughter for her graduation ceremony.  I found an old hard drive that I worked my way into and came across a slew of folders filled with photos which my Hillary had taken of herself, her siblings, her friends...it was overwhelming.  I couldn't stop looking at them...ALL!  I was drowning in this sea of photos and memories but I couldn't help myself, nor did I want to.  I was drowning and I knew it but I didn't want to get out of the water.  I didn't want to close it down.  It was pain, tears, agony - yet I welcomed it.  But, it destroyed me for the rest of the day and a couple other days afterward.  I didn't get the photos collected that day of my graduating daughter.  Nope.  In fact, I didn't get anything else done that day.  This is how it goes.  From day to day, I never know what I'm going to face that is going to throw me into a tailspin.  And I don't know how to protect myself from it.  I don't know if I want to protect myself.  Maybe protect is a poor word choice here; maybe shield is more appropriate even though they carry somewhat of the same meaning.  In any case, I don't care what word I use - unlike my previous self - I don't care about a lot of things anymore.  But, whatever, I don't know the proper way of walking down this path.  Maybe there is no proper way.  Everyone is different.  Part of me feels that facing all these things head on, not avoiding or hiding from things that could trigger an episode of grieving is the best thing.  Grieve.  Cleanse.  Heal.  Yeah, true, but then there's other children that need me to be present for them.  There's work.  There's planning.  There's cleaning, cooking, washing.  There's living that needs to be done.  All of which would be almost impossible if I am wasted and in pieces from violent eruptions as I walk through the minefield of this life.

Enough.  I want to express, to get it out.  So much is filling up my head and putting pressure on my being but I can't do anymore right now.

Blinking cursor on "page" of white.  Later.

Starting New

Today is an exciting day for me.  I am officially starting down a new path in my journey through life.  This path has been in view to me for awhile now but it wasn't yet time to walk there.  Now is the time, and besides being excited I'm nervous, but mostly excited for what's to come.  Many things have happened in my life, in my children's life, this past decade but have been concentrated in the last few years and became extremely intense recently with the tragic death of my beautiful, sweet, 22yr. old daughter.  I will forever be changed and pained, with a part of my heart sectioned off where there is no comfort, no light, no relief from suffering.  But, until recently, I had no control of that space.  It has been a room where the door was always open and like in a dream I always found myself in it unable to get out - I really couldn't even lift my head to look out of the room, I was not aware of any windows, only grey walls and echos of weeping and sadness.  Somehow, miraculously, little by little, things changed.  And one day I will write about the process that took place between then and now where I find myself being able enter and exit the room as I please.  I see windows now, with shades and sheers and draperies so that I may have as much sunlight or as little as I need.  There is much more to this room and my relationship to it that will wait for another time.  But, suffice it to say that forward movement is taking place within me and without and I am starting a new chapter in my life while also lingering a bit in the last one.

Much to do, to do, to do....and I will express more later.  But for now, here is a thought...