A For Effort

I tried to meditate this morning right after I woke.  I wasn't very successful in the act, but I give myself a 10 for the effort.  Yay Me.  I see it as a great accomplishment since most mornings for the last 7 months my motivation level has been below 0. I will try again tomorrow. 

A Breakthrough

I was at one of my lowest points yesterday, and then just like in the movies, there came a breakthrough.

I stumbled upon a facebook page called A New Journey created by a woman named Marsha Abbot who lost her 19 yr. old daughter in a tragic way.  Her posts on that page are inspirational and encouraging.  While I was feeling I wasn't yet at that place of hope that she has seemed to reach, I certainly was comforted by much of what she has shared.  And that page led me to her weblog My Bid Red Shoe, which goes more in depth into her and her daughter's story and the journey she has been on during the aftermath of this tragic event.  In one of her blog posts titled Snap Out of it? I Don't Think So... , I found myself thinking "I could have written this post!"  Her thinking and expression of her experiences seem to so closely parallel mine.  And when she mentioned a gentleman named Edgar Cayce and how she has recently been a sponge for his writings, I knew I had to look into him.  So I did.  I sat the whole rest of the evening and into the wee hours of the morning reading about him, his experiences, his materials.  I kept searching online to find more...and more...and I couldn't get enough of what I found.  There is a non-profit founded by him called Edgar Cayce's A.R.E. Association for Research and Enlightenment where you can find information on him, among other things.  There is also a lot of information in the way of books, pdf's, readings, videos, etc. that can be found by way of search engine regarding Mr. Cayce and the information that he brings from his readings and experiences.  My purpose really is not to promote him, his ideas, or this foundation - I'm just pointing to it because of the effect some of it had on me.  

There are so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head right now that it's hard to pull things together and write them down in a comprehensible way.  But I will say this...yesterday I was lower than low and today I feel a spark of hope.  Yesterday I had no energy or motivation and today, for the first time in awhile, I feel some life moving in me.  After my daughter's death, 99% of what I believed, truly, sincerely, and what I based my life on had been completely shattered.  No, not shattered.  It had been utterly demolished as if a mega bomb had been dropped and left everything desolate.  I had so many questions and I actually had slowly been getting some answers, not necessarily the ones I wanted or was comfortable with but answers none the less.  And I can say that these thoughts and ideas were priming me for taking the next step into understanding.  I have only read probably 1% of the information from Edgar Cayce's life and experiences but I can already say "Amen" to it.  My mind and awareness is moving into another phase of expansion.  And I can feel that I am ready to embrace it.  And I can feel the hope beginning to rise.  I can feel the openness coming bringing light.  I cannot pin point anything specific in these writings in this blog post right now because there is so much processing still going on.  But, I can say that while my grief is still so strong because of the loss of my beautiful daughter and the life I hoped she'd have and that I thought we'd experience together...I do now have a very real hope for moving forward in this life and being able to continue to love my living children and share and experience joy once again. 

Ups and Downs and Inside Out

Since my daughter's death, my moods and emotions have been so unpredictable.  But lately I've been experiencing more extreme ups and downs...feeling very protective and private of my thoughts and emotions one minute and then the next minute wanting to blurt out my deepest feelings to any old stranger on the street.  I'll see something that reminds me of my daughter and I fall to pieces, then the next minute the cat does something cute and I laugh hysterically--then I think about my daughter's two cats that she left behind and I'm sinking into a hole again.  It's really becoming extremely annoying to me.  Annoying isn't a good word here, because it's more than that.  It's leaving me feeling very vulnerable most of the time and unable to accomplish much of anything. Right now I have two people that I feel comfortable talking to but they live over 300 miles away, and only so much can be expressed in text and short blippets on the phone. I'm also struggling with just wanting to sleep all the time.  I feel like I'm doing worse now than right after the tragedy.  It's been 7 months.  Is that normal?  I'm thinking I should try to find a counselor to talk to or at least someone a bit more qualified than the 7-Eleven clerk.  I will have to look into it.  Maybe.  We'll see. 

I watched the movie the Village last night, again...for the 20th time in my life.  I flipped across it on tv and was taken in by the resemblance of the Ivy character to my daughter.  Not only were there physical similarities, with the exception that my daughter has...had blonde hair, but also the spirit of the character was so much like my Hillary.  She had this exuberance and fun-ness and also a stubborn determination.  She also had an innocence and an openness, acceptance, compassion, and love for others.  I had never noticed it so much before when I've seen the film but it mesmerized me and I couldn't help but see my daughter in that portrayal of Ivy.  I miss her so much and I know I don't only mourn her abscense but also the absence of what her life could have been.  I also can't help but see all the ways I've failed her and I wish so much I could make it up to her and love her better, do better for her and by her.  Protect her.  I'm her mother and I wasn't able to protect her from this.  I wasn't able to fill her up with enough love so that she would never consider taking her own life.  I feel the burden so heavily of being responsible.  I just want a chance to start over from the time she was little and love her unconditionally, extremely, to the deepest part of her person and nurture her more completely so she would never need the approval of anyone, any guy, any thing, any person in order to feel whole.  But I can't.  I had my chance and it's gone...with her.  But, I do realize that I have an opportunity for those things with the children I still have with me on this earth.  Even though they're no longer little, I can still love them extremely.  I can still express how wonderful I think they are and how proud I am of them, and how I will be there for them no matter what.  I can still talk to them with love in my eyes and a smile on my face.  I remember when I was young and I would try to talk to my dad about something, (my parents were divorced and I grew up with my dad) he would look at me, not paying attention to what I was saying, but focusing on something else about me with a disapproving look on his face - and then he would start talking; I'm thinking he's going to comment on what I said, but no...it would usually be something like, "You're teeth are yellow.  Did you brush your teeth?"  "You're not wearing that outfit, are you?"  "You have too much make-up on, you look cheap."  Ugh, yechh.  Too many negative memories starting to flood back that I've worked so hard over the years to release.  I don't talk to my kids like that, but I haven't been perfect.  Obviously.

I need to work through this so I can think of my daughter and have it accompanied by only positive thoughts about her and not pull me into a tailspin.  I want to be available to my living children, fully present.  I want them to know that even though I grieve their sister with just about every cell in my body and every part of my being, that they are still important and worthy of my attention, my focus, my effort, my thoughts, my love.   It's difficult to do consistently because I'm such a mess right now.

I want to think positively so I can face my days with some amount of strength.  I know I can't continue to beat myself up and expect to move forward.  I was thinking yesterday the most positive thought I could about myself right now and it was this...at least I'm not drinking myself into oblivion or consuming meds to take away the pain.  And then my heart was so heavy for all those people out there - people I don't even know..."possible" people who have suffered some kind of tragedy who are doing just that...self-medicating to cope with the aches and regrets and unbearable heartache.  I wish I could reach through the dark clouds and into your life and pull you out and say, "Let's hold on together, let's cry together, sob, weep, scream, yell, laugh, talk, sit...be quiet together.  Feel each others' presence and not expect anything from each other.  Just be, and let that be enough. 

Wild America!

Look what the cat dragged in....literally!

Found by her litter box.  It makes me sad but the boys in my house find it interesting and amusing that kitty is bringing us gifts.  That's the way of the wild, I guess.  Afterward, I heard my son in the kitchen singing, ..."the circle of life...".

Fabric Storage

I had been mulling over ideas for storing my fabric.  At our previous home, I had several dressers that I kept fabric in but I wasn't altogether happy with that because not being able to see it at a glance, I didn't know what was currently in my stash.  Let's face it, I can't keep all that info on my brain's little desktop.  It's been archived and I don't always remember where I've stored those files.  Having, my fabric visible is quite helpful.

I ran across this idea of wrapping the fabric around foam core boards at the little green bean and was inspired.  I needed to go the least expensive route right now and I had some of those display boards, which we used for my daughter's graduation table, that I had picked up at the Dollar Tree and a couple I purchased at Walmart.  They're basically the same thing, although I can't boast that they're acid free, but I've had my fabric on cardboard before and had no problems.  And I was wondering if those cardboard bolts at the fabric store are acid free?  I haven't checked that out yet, but I'm going with my cheapo display boards for now. 

They look very similar to Missy's at the little green bean .

So, I've been working on turning this....

Into this...

So far, I'm happy with it.  :)

Grumpy Cat Completed

Okay, so the Grumpy Cat from Instructables is finished.  I had to work yesterday so we couldn't start it until evening which meant that we were up later than I had planned.  But...it's finished and we both feel good.  :)  It's been awhile since I've started and finished a project in one day.  And I'm seeing my sewing/crafting as therapy right now.  And I'm happy to help my son start and finish a project as well so he can get that feeling of accomplishment - even in small doses.

Sammy Sewing

 I love these comic book filters.

After stuffing it, he said we should call it Lumpy Cat.

Sewing Son

My 12 yr. old son came into my finally put together sewing room and asked if he could sew something.  He and his brother have sewn before, but it's been a little while.  I guess my new tidy, organized room is sew inviting that it drew him in - which is what I've been hoping it would do, mostly for me, but also for anyone else interested.  :)

After hemming and hawing, I gently told him I thought it was a bit late to start a sewing project after 10:30pm (even though I've been known to sew into the wee hours of the morning but I didn't want to go there) He had some ideas for what he wanted to make and we were looking online for some further inspiration and came across a plushie tutorial that sparked his interest.  So, tomorrow morning he'll (we'll) be starting on this one we found on Instructables.

How To Make A Grumpy Cat Plush by elewis03